Operation Girlfriend

Section 1: DVD Disaster

Benson walked into a DVD store and headed straight for the Five Dollar Section. He dug through the DVDs at full speed until he finally hit the jackpot—the latest masterpiece starring the legendary adult film actress, Lady Sasa.

Without wasting another second, Benson grabbed the DVD, rushed to the counter, paid for it, and hurried straight home, too impatient to even wait for the receipt.

His mother was in the kitchen, just finishing lunch.

“Hey, Benson! Lunch is ready. You want some chicken or some fish?”

Benson didn’t answer. He didn’t even seem to hear her. He rushed straight past the kitchen and into his room.

In his excitement, he made one careless mistake.

He forgot to close the bedroom door.

It remained wide open.

Benson dropped into his computer chair, slid the DVD into the computer, and pulled on his large noise-canceling headset. A few seconds later, Lady Sasa appeared on the screen.

Benson leaned closer to the monitor, completely absorbed in Lady Sasa’s latest romantic action masterpiece, enjoying his up-close encounter with the legendary actress.

He stared at the screen without blinking, completely mesmerized.

“Lady Sasa… what a perfect figure,” he murmured aloud.

His eyes remained glued to the screen.

“Your bazongas are so nurturing.”

He said it with complete sincerity, as though he were paying her the highest compliment imaginable.

Benson shifted in his chair and lowered his pants to his knees. One hand disappeared beneath the desk while his eyes remained fixed on Lady Sasa. As the movie continued, his breathing grew heavier, and the repetitive motion of his arm gradually quickened.

He was completely absorbed in Lady Sasa’s romantic action masterpiece.

Before long, Lady Sasa’s romantic action masterpiece reached its grand finale.

So did Benson.

A white streak suddenly shot across the front of the monitor, flew through the open window, and disappeared outside.

A second later, a man screamed from the street below.

“FUCK! RIGHT IN MY EYE!”

Benson heard absolutely nothing. His noise-canceling headset was still firmly over his ears.

Completely satisfied, Benson sank back into his computer chair and slowly removed his headset. He leaned his head against the back of the chair, breathing heavily.

“What a battle…” he panted. After another deep breath, a satisfied smile crept across his face. “What a long-lasting battle!”

Then, at the edge of his vision, he noticed someone standing behind him.

Benson slowly turned his head and saw his mother standing in the doorway. The air seemed to freeze. Mother and son stared at each other in complete silence, neither knowing what to say. The satisfied smile on Benson’s face gradually disappeared.

His mother finally broke the awkward silence.

“Long-lasting?” She gave him a look. “You didn’t even last three minutes.”

Benson’s face instantly turned red. He looked down and suddenly remembered that his pants were still hanging around his knees.

“Shit!”

He hurriedly yanked them back up, then spun around in his computer chair to face his mother. In his panic, he turned far too hard. The chair twisted sideways, tipped over, and sent Benson crashing face-first onto the floor with it.

Still sprawled on the floor, Benson lifted his head indignantly.

“Mom! Couldn’t you just knock? Don’t you know you’re supposed to knock before you come in?”

His mother stared down at him.

“Knock?” she said. “You didn’t even close the door.”

Benson opened his mouth, ready to argue, but nothing came out.

His mother shook her head.

“Look at you, Benson. You don’t have a proper job. You don’t have a girlfriend. All you do is stay in your room all day watching porn and jerking off.”

Benson pushed himself up from the floor, his face still burning with embarrassment.

“You keep living like this, and one day you’re going to turn into some kind of deranged sex offender,” she continued. “If you’ve got nothing better to do, go outside. Walk around. Get some fresh air. Do something with your life instead of sitting in this dark room all day.”

“Okay, okay, Mom! I got it!” Benson snapped. “Just leave me alone!”

His mother gave him one last disapproving look before turning around and walking away.

Section 2: Job Search

Benson walked down the street with his hands buried in his pockets, still grumbling to himself.

“Jesus Christ… Who the fuck just stands in someone’s doorway without saying anything? No knocking, nothing.”

As he walked, a HELP WANTED sign in a storefront window caught his eye.

Benson stopped and read it.

HELP WANTED — ENTRY-LEVEL APPRENTICE
5+ YEARS OF EXPERIENCE REQUIRED
$13 AN HOUR

Benson stared at it.

“Jesus Christ. Minimum wage is already fifteen dollars an hour! And how the fuck am I supposed to be an entry-level apprentice if I already have five years of experience?”

He shook his head and walked away.

After giving the matter some serious thought for approximately three seconds, Benson came to a conclusion.

“Yeah… today’s probably not a good day to look for a job.”

And just like that, his job search was over.

Benson kept walking until he approached a T-intersection.

A man was approaching the same intersection from another direction.

At first glance, there was nothing particularly unusual about him. He was of average height and build, with large eyes and a prominent nose.

Then Benson noticed his mouth.

The man had no lips.

None at all.

Both rows of his teeth were permanently exposed to the open air, giving his otherwise ordinary face a bizarre appearance.

Benson stared at him.

Holy shit. This guy looks fucking weird.

His eyes lingered on the Lipless Guy’s exposed teeth.

There’s no fucking way this guy has a girlfriend. He’s gotta be a loser, just like me.

Section 3: Alley Trouble

Benson reached the intersection first and turned into the narrow alley. About ten meters behind him, the Lipless Guy reached the corner and made the same turn.

The alley was darker than the streets around it, squeezed between the backs of two buildings.

A short distance ahead, Benson noticed two people against the wall.

A large man had a woman pinned there by both wrists. He was fat but heavily built, with thick arms, a huge belly, and a broad head that looked almost like a tree stump. His enormous nose and fleshy face gave him an unmistakably pig-like appearance.

The Pig-Faced Man leaned closer. His tongue moved frantically across the woman’s face, leaving her cheeks and chin slick with saliva as she desperately twisted her head away.

Then, in a surprisingly polite voice, he asked, “Hey, miss… come on. Would you have sex with me, please? I’m begging you.”

Benson stared at them.

Oh, Jesus Christ. You’ve already got her pinned against the wall. Why the hell are you still asking so politely? Fuck, just fuck already, for God’s sake.

The woman struggled against his grip.

“Get away from me, you ugly freak!”

“Why not? Please,” the Pig-Faced Man pleaded. “I really like girls like you. The first moment I saw you in this alley, I fell in love with your body.”

The woman stared at him in disbelief.

“What’s wrong with you? I’m a human being. You’re a pig! This would be bestiality! It’s morally wrong, it’s illegal, and it’s never going to happen! Let me go!”

The Pig-Faced Man groaned in frustration.

“Oh, for God’s sake! I’m a human being too! I’m not a pig!”

As Benson walked closer, the woman finally noticed him. Hope immediately flashed in her eyes.

“Sir! Help me! Please! Save me!”

Benson stopped dead.

The Pig-Faced Man slowly turned his head and looked straight at him. Benson’s heart suddenly began pounding.

What should I do? Should I save her?

He looked at the Pig-Faced Man’s massive body.

No. I’d get totally beaten up by this pig. There’s no way I’m risking my life for her.

Oh, shit.

Benson quickly turned around and hurried several steps back down the alley. Spotting a large dumpster a short distance away, he rushed behind it and immediately ducked out of sight.

A moment later, he cautiously peeked over the edge of the dumpster.

He was still watching.

Section 4: Lipless Hero

The Lipless Guy, still walking a short distance behind Benson, heard the woman’s cry for help.

Unlike Benson, he didn’t hesitate.

He quickened his pace, strode several steps forward, and called out to the Pig-Faced Man.

“Hey, you! You foul animal!”

The Pig-Faced Man turned toward him.

“Let her go right now,” the Lipless Guy said, continuing toward him, “or I’ll beat the crap out of you and drag you straight to the slaughterhouse!”

The Pig-Faced Man’s face twisted with fury.

“For the last time! I’m a human being! I’m not a pig!”

The Lipless Guy kept walking toward him, completely unfazed.

The Pig-Faced Man seized the moment.

Before the Lipless Guy could even settle into a fighting stance, the Pig-Faced Man suddenly dropped onto all fours.

“All right! So you wanna play hero?” he roared. “Then I’ll kill you, Mr. Hero!”

He charged forward like a wild boar, his heavy body thundering down the alley with surprising speed.

The Lipless Guy still had one hand in his pocket.

At the last instant, he simply turned his body sideways.

The Pig-Faced Man rushed past him.

In the same motion, the Lipless Guy reached down with his free hand, drove it into the Pig-Faced Man’s back with a claw-like strike, and pulled away.

A kidney was now in his hand.

The entire exchange had taken barely a second.

The Pig-Faced Man staggered forward on all fours, his momentum still carrying him down the alley.

“What… what have you done to me?” he gasped.

The Lipless Guy stood behind him, one hand still in his pocket and the kidney in the other.

“Foul animals like you don’t deserve to live on this earth.”

The Pig-Faced Man tried to keep moving, but the strength suddenly drained from his limbs. His arms buckled first, then his legs gave way beneath him. His heavy body slammed onto the pavement and slid forward for another meter before finally coming to a stop.

He didn’t move again.

Behind the dumpster, Benson stared with his mouth hanging open.

For a moment, the alley went completely quiet.

Then the woman rushed toward the Lipless Guy and threw her arms around him.

“Thank you! You saved me!”

The Lipless Guy stiffened slightly, clearly not expecting the hug.

The woman pulled back just enough to look at him, still holding onto his arms.

“I’ve always thought guys who know kung fu are the coolest.”

A smile slowly spread across the Lipless Guy’s face.

Behind the dumpster, Benson’s expression immediately soured.

Oh, come on.

Encouraged by her reaction, the Lipless Guy cleared his throat. “Then… may I have a kiss?”

The woman nodded eagerly several times. “Yeah, sure.”

But as she looked more closely at his face, she suddenly paused. Her expression became uncertain.

“Sorry… I can’t.”

The smile on the Lipless Guy’s face immediately faded. For a moment, he looked genuinely disappointed, but he quickly accepted it with a small nod. “Oh. It’s okay. I see.”

The woman hesitated. “No, it’s just… I don’t know how to put this.” Her eyes wandered awkwardly as she searched for the right words. After several seconds, she finally looked back at his mouth. “You don’t even have lips. I mean… I don’t think kissing is physically possible.”

Behind the dumpster, Benson’s face immediately brightened.

Oh, wow. Son of a bitch. He doesn’t get the kiss after all.

A smug smile spread across his face.

Yeah. That makes more sense.

Section 5: Pork Kidney Soup

The Lipless Guy lowered his head slightly as the realization sank in.

“Ah… I see.”

The woman saw the disappointment on the Lipless Guy’s face and immediately felt bad for him.

“Hey… don’t look so sad.” She gently touched his arm. “Actually, I live just around the corner. Why don’t you come over to my place? We can have dinner together.”

The Lipless Guy slowly raised his head.

The woman’s face turned bright red. She hesitated for a moment, then spoke in the most decent tone she could manage.

“I mean, just because we can’t kiss doesn’t mean we can’t do other things. If you don’t mind… I think we can have sex today.”

The Lipless Guy’s eyes nearly popped out of his head.

“Say what?”

His disappointment vanished in an instant, replaced by pure excitement.

“Oh! I’ve never even had a girlfriend before! I didn’t think things would move this fast. This is rocket-fast!”

Behind the dumpster, Benson’s smug expression collapsed.

What?! What the fuck is this? I can’t believe it!

The woman reached for the Lipless Guy’s hand, but just as she was about to take it, she noticed that he was still holding the kidney.

“Oh! That’s a very fresh pork kidney.”

She looked at it for a moment, then suddenly brightened.

“I just happened to buy some scallions earlier. We can make pork kidney soup with it for dinner.”

The Lipless Guy nodded happily.

The woman stepped around to his other side and took his free hand instead. Then she led him out of the alley and toward her home.

The two walked side by side, hand in hand, chatting happily about dinner as they made their way down the street.

Benson watched from behind the dumpster as the two of them walked farther and farther away, hand in hand.

His eyes began to glisten with bitter jealousy. He grabbed the collar of his own shirt with both hands, pulled it up to his mouth, and sank his teeth into it, chewing on the fabric as he stared miserably at their retreating figures.

Their voices were already growing faint in the distance.

The woman asked, “What if I get pregnant?”

“Then we’ll have the baby,” the Lipless Guy replied cheerfully. “Actually, I’ve already thought of a name.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We can call him Benson.”

The woman immediately shook her head. She gave the Lipless Guy an affectionate little pat on the shoulder and replied in a sweet, lovey-dovey voice, “No way. Benson sounds like a name for losers. There’s no way I’d name my kid Benson.”

Benson’s eyes went wide.

“Fuck you! What the hell does this have to do with my name?”

He violently jerked his head backward.

RRRIP!

The piece of his collar clenched between his teeth tore straight off his shirt.

Farther down the street, the woman and the Lipless Guy continued walking hand in hand, completely unaware of Benson’s outrage. Their happy conversation grew fainter and fainter as they moved farther away, until their voices could no longer be heard.

A few moments later, their figures disappeared around the far end of the alley.

Benson remained behind the dumpster, alone once again.

Section 6: Learn Kung Fu

Benson slowly stepped out from behind the dumpster, still staring at the empty end of the alley.

The guy didn’t even have lips. He couldn’t even kiss a woman. Yet just minutes after saving one with kung fu, he was already holding her hand, going home with her, and apparently about to have sex.

The more Benson thought about it, the angrier he became.

“It should have been me!”

He swung his fist as hard as he could into the side of the dumpster.

BANG!

Benson immediately yanked his hand back.

“Oh, shit! It hurts!”

He clutched his aching hand and grimaced. After a moment, however, his anger slowly gave way to thought. He looked down at his fist, then toward the empty end of the alley.

“Hmm…”

Benson thought for another few seconds.

“If I want to get a girlfriend… maybe I need to learn some kung fu.”

He nodded to himself.

“Yeah. I need to learn some kung fu.”