Operation Girlfriend

Section 1: The Long-Lasting Battle

Benson walked out of the Five Dollar Section of a DVD store, holding the latest masterpiece starring the legendary adult film actress, Lady Sasa.

He hurried straight home, rushed past his mother, who was cooking in the kitchen, and went directly into his bedroom.

Benson dropped into his computer chair, turned on his computer, inserted the DVD, hit Play, and put on his large noise-canceling headset.

In his rush, he made one careless mistake—he forgot to close his bedroom door.

It remained wide open.

A few seconds later, Lady Sasa appeared on the screen. Benson leaned closer to the monitor, his eyes glued to her latest romantic action masterpiece.

“Lady Sasa… what a perfect figure,” he murmured.

“Your bazongas are so nurturing.”

Without taking his eyes off the screen, Benson lowered his pants to his knees. One hand disappeared beneath the desk. As the movie continued, his breathing grew heavier, and his arm moved faster and faster.

Before long, Lady Sasa’s romantic action masterpiece reached its grand finale.

So did Benson.

A white streak suddenly shot over the top of the monitor, flew through the open window, and disappeared outside.

A second later, a man screamed from the street below.

“FUCK! RIGHT IN MY EYE!”

Benson heard nothing through his noise-canceling headset.

Satisfied, Benson leaned back in his chair and removed his headset, still breathing heavily.

“What a battle…” he panted, a smile spreading across his face. “What a long-lasting battle!”

Then he noticed someone standing behind him. Benson slowly turned his head.

His mother was standing in the doorway.

They stared at each other in awkward silence as Benson’s satisfied smile gradually disappeared.

His mother finally spoke.

“Long-lasting?” She gave him a look. “You didn’t even last three minutes.”

Benson’s face turned red. He glanced down—his pants were still around his knees.

“Shit!”

He quickly yanked them up and spun his chair toward his mother. But he turned too hard, tipping the chair sideways and crashing face-first onto the floor.

Still sprawled on the floor, Benson lifted his head indignantly.

“Mom! Couldn’t you just knock? Don’t you know you’re supposed to knock before you come in?”

His mother stared down at him.

“Knock?” she said. “You didn’t even close the door.”

Benson froze, his entire body seemingly turning to stone.

His mother shook her head.

“Look at you, Benson. You don’t have a proper job. You don’t have a girlfriend. All you do is sit in your room watching porn and jerking off all day.”

Benson pushed himself up from the floor, still embarrassed.

“You keep living like this, and one day you’re going to turn into some kind of deranged sex offender,” she continued. “Go outside. Get some fresh air. Find something useful to do instead of wasting your life in this dark room!”

“Okay, okay, Mom! I got it!” Benson snapped. “Just leave me alone!”

His mother gave him one last disapproving look before walking away.

Section 2: Job Search

Benson walked down the street, still grumbling about his mother.

“Jesus Christ… Who the fuck stands in someone’s doorway without knocking?”

A help-wanted sign in a storefront window caught his eye.

HELP WANTED — ENTRY-LEVEL APPRENTICE 5+ years of experience required Pay: Minimum wage

Benson stared at it.

“Jesus Christ! How the fuck am I supposed to have five years of experience for an entry-level job?”

He shook his head and walked away.

After three seconds of serious thought, Benson reached a conclusion.

“Yeah… today’s probably not a good day to look for a job.”

And just like that, his job search was over.

Section 3: A Girl’s Rescue

Benson approached a T-intersection. A man was coming from another direction.

At first glance, there was nothing particularly unusual about him. He was of average height and build, with large eyes and a prominent nose.

Then Benson noticed his mouth—the man had no lips. None at all.

Both rows of his teeth were permanently exposed to the open air, giving his otherwise ordinary face a bizarre appearance.

Benson stared at him.

Holy shit. This guy looks fucking weird.

His eyes lingered on the Lipless Guy’s exposed teeth.

There’s no fucking way this guy has a girlfriend. He’s gotta be a loser, just like me.

Benson reached the intersection first and turned into a narrow alley. About ten meters behind him, the Lipless Guy made the same turn.

The alley was darker than the streets around it, squeezed between the backs of two buildings.

A short distance ahead, Benson noticed two people against the wall.

A large man had a woman pinned against the wall by both wrists. He was fat but heavily built, with thick arms, a huge belly, an enormous nose, and a fleshy, pig-like face.

The Pig-Faced Man leaned closer. His tongue moved frantically across the woman’s face, leaving her cheeks and chin slick with saliva as she desperately twisted her head away.

Then, in a surprisingly polite voice, he asked, “Hey, miss… come on. Would you have sex with me, please? I’m begging you.”

Benson stared at them.

Oh, Jesus Christ. You’ve already got her pinned against the wall. Why the hell are you still asking so politely? Fuck, just fuck already, for God’s sake.

The woman struggled against his grip.

“Get away from me, you ugly freak!”

“Why not? Please,” the Pig-Faced Man pleaded. “I really like girls like you. The first moment I saw you in this alley, I fell in love with your body.”

The woman stared at him in disbelief.

“What’s wrong with you? I’m a human being. You’re a pig! This would be bestiality! It’s morally wrong, it’s illegal, and it’s never going to happen! Let me go!”

The Pig-Faced Man groaned in frustration.

“Oh, for God’s sake! I’m a human being too! I’m not a pig!”

As Benson walked closer, the woman finally noticed him. Hope immediately flashed in her eyes.

“Sir! Help me! Please! Save me!”

Benson stopped dead.

The Pig-Faced Man slowly turned his head and looked straight at him. Benson’s heart suddenly began pounding.

What should I do? Should I save her?

He looked at the Pig-Faced Man’s massive body.

No. I’d get totally beaten up by this pig. There’s no way I’m risking my life for her.

Oh, shit.

Benson quickly turned around, rushed behind a nearby dumpster, and ducked out of sight.

A moment later, he cautiously peeked over the edge of the dumpster.

He was still watching.

A short distance behind Benson, the Lipless Guy heard the woman’s cry for help.

Unlike Benson, he didn’t hesitate.

He strode forward and called out to the Pig-Faced Man.

“Hey, you! You foul animal!”

The Pig-Faced Man turned toward him.

“Let her go right now,” the Lipless Guy said, continuing toward him, “or I’ll beat the crap out of you and drag you straight to the slaughterhouse!”

The Pig-Faced Man’s face twisted with fury.

“For the last time! I’m a human being! I’m not a pig!”

The Lipless Guy kept walking toward him, completely unfazed.

The Pig-Faced Man seized the moment.

Before the Lipless Guy could even settle into a fighting stance, the Pig-Faced Man suddenly dropped onto all fours.

“All right! So you wanna play hero?” he roared. “Then I’ll kill you, Mr. Hero!”

He charged forward like a wild boar, his heavy body thundering down the alley with surprising speed.

The Lipless Guy still had one hand in his pocket.

At the last instant, he simply turned his body sideways.

The Pig-Faced Man rushed past him.

In the same motion, the Lipless Guy reached down with his free hand, drove it into the Pig-Faced Man’s back with a claw-like strike, and pulled away.

A kidney was now in his hand.

The entire exchange had taken barely a second.

The Pig-Faced Man staggered forward on all fours, his momentum still carrying him down the alley.

“What… what have you done to me?” he gasped.

The Lipless Guy stood behind him, one hand still in his pocket and the kidney in the other.

“Foul animals like you don’t deserve to live on this earth.”

The Pig-Faced Man tried to keep moving, but the strength drained from his limbs. His arms buckled, then his legs gave way. His heavy body slammed onto the pavement and slid forward another meter before coming to a stop.

He didn’t move again.

Behind the dumpster, Benson stared with his mouth hanging open.

Section 4: Pork Kidney Soup

For a moment, the alley went completely quiet.

Then the woman rushed toward the Lipless Guy and threw her arms around him.

“Thank you! You saved me!”

The Lipless Guy stiffened slightly, clearly not expecting the hug.

The woman pulled back just enough to look at him, still holding onto his arms.

“I’ve always thought guys who know kung fu are the coolest.”

A smile slowly spread across the Lipless Guy’s face.

Behind the dumpster, Benson’s expression immediately soured.

Oh, come on.

Encouraged by her reaction, the Lipless Guy cleared his throat. “Then… may I have a kiss?”

The woman nodded eagerly several times. “Yeah, sure.”

But as she looked more closely at his face, she suddenly paused. Her expression became uncertain.

“Sorry… I can’t.”

The smile on the Lipless Guy’s face immediately faded. For a moment, he looked genuinely disappointed, but he quickly accepted it with a small nod. “Oh. It’s okay. I see.”

The woman hesitated. “No, it’s just… I don’t know how to put this.” Her eyes wandered awkwardly as she searched for the right words. After several seconds, she finally looked back at his mouth. “You don’t even have lips. I mean… I don’t think kissing is physically possible.”

Behind the dumpster, Benson’s face immediately brightened.

Oh, wow. Son of a bitch. He doesn’t get the kiss after all.

A smug smile spread across his face.

Yeah. That makes more sense.

The Lipless Guy lowered his head slightly as the realization sank in.

“Ah… I see.”

The woman saw the disappointment on the Lipless Guy’s face and immediately felt bad for him.

“Hey… don’t look so sad.” She gently touched his arm. “Actually, I live just around the corner. Why don’t you come over to my place? We can have dinner together.”

The Lipless Guy slowly raised his head.

The woman’s face turned bright red. She hesitated for a moment, then spoke in the most decent tone she could manage.

“I mean, just because we can’t kiss doesn’t mean we can’t do other things. If you don’t mind… I think we can have sex today.”

The Lipless Guy’s eyes nearly popped out of his head.

“Say what?”

His disappointment vanished in an instant, replaced by pure excitement.

“Oh! I’ve never even had a girlfriend before! I didn’t think things would move this fast. This is rocket-fast!”

Behind the dumpster, Benson’s smug expression collapsed.

What?! What the fuck is this? I can’t believe it!

The woman reached for the Lipless Guy’s hand, but just as she was about to take it, she noticed that he was still holding the kidney.

“Oh! That’s a very fresh pork kidney.”

She looked at it for a moment, then suddenly brightened.

“I just happened to buy some scallions earlier. We can make pork kidney soup with it for dinner.”

The Lipless Guy nodded happily.

The woman stepped around to his other side and took his free hand instead. Then she led him out of the alley and toward her home.

The two walked side by side, hand in hand, chatting happily about dinner as they made their way down the street.

Benson watched from behind the dumpster as the two of them walked farther and farther away, hand in hand.

His eyes began to glisten with bitter jealousy. He grabbed the collar of his own shirt with both hands, pulled it up to his mouth, and sank his teeth into it, chewing on the fabric as he stared miserably at their retreating figures.

Their voices were already growing faint in the distance.

The woman asked, “What if I get pregnant?”

“Then we’ll have the baby,” the Lipless Guy replied cheerfully. “Actually, I’ve already thought of a name.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We can call him Benson.”

The woman immediately shook her head. She gave the Lipless Guy an affectionate little pat on the shoulder and replied in a sweet, lovey-dovey voice, “No way. Benson sounds like a name for losers. There’s no way I’d name my kid Benson.”

Benson’s eyes went wide.

“Fuck you! What the hell does this have to do with my name?”

He violently jerked his head backward.

RRRIP!

The piece of his collar clenched between his teeth tore straight off his shirt.

Farther down the street, the woman and the Lipless Guy continued walking hand in hand, completely unaware of Benson’s outrage. Their happy conversation grew fainter and fainter as they moved farther away, until their voices could no longer be heard.

A few moments later, their figures disappeared around the far end of the alley.

Benson remained behind the dumpster, alone once again.

Section 5: The Kung Fu Solution

Benson slowly stepped out from behind the dumpster, still staring at the empty end of the alley.

The guy didn’t even have lips. He couldn’t even kiss a woman. Yet just minutes after saving one with kung fu, he was already holding her hand, going home with her, and apparently about to have sex.

The more Benson thought about it, the angrier he became.

“It should have been me!”

He swung his fist as hard as he could into the side of the dumpster.

BANG!

Benson immediately yanked his hand back.

“Oh, shit! It hurts!”

He clutched his aching hand and grimaced. After a moment, however, his anger slowly gave way to thought. He looked down at his fist, then toward the empty end of the alley.

“Hmm…”

Benson thought for another few seconds.

“If I want to get a girlfriend… maybe I need to learn some kung fu.”

He nodded to himself.

“Yeah. I need to learn some kung fu.”