Attack on the Cult

Section 1: Semen Must Pay

The next morning, Dinello stepped out of his apartment and headed straight down the street, both hands buried in the pockets of his open Zhongshan suit. The red exclamation mark from that morning was still stuck in his head.

He somewhat understood why Kyle had blocked him. Still, he wanted an answer from his old friend. More importantly, Dinello had already decided that Pastor Simon was evil. Whatever that bastard was doing to Kyle had gone far enough. Today, he was going to pay the pastor a visit and teach him a lesson.

Before long, Dinello reached the church. Just as he approached the entrance, he overheard two men talking nearby.

“I donated fifty thousand dollars to this church last year,” one of them said proudly.

“Fifty thousand?!” The other man stared at him. “Don’t you only make like forty thousand a year?”

“Yeah.” The first man nodded casually. “So I took out a bank loan. I had to give myself fully to Pastor Simon—and even go beyond. He’s like a second father to me.”

The second man looked impressed. “Damn. Fifty thousand dollars. That’s some serious dedication.”

“What about you?” the first man asked. “How much did you donate?”

“Me?” The second man shook his head. “Not a single dollar.”

The first man’s expression immediately changed. He looked the other man up and down with open disappointment. “Seriously? You didn’t donate anything? How could you?”

“Well…” The second man smiled proudly. “I did donate my very own wife to Pastor Simon.”

The first man’s eyes widened with admiration. “Holy shit, brother. You’re on another level.”

Dinello stopped walking.

For some reason, his mind immediately replaced the man’s wife with Jessica. He pictured her kneeling between Pastor Simon’s legs, moaning.

Before the image could go any further, Dinello snapped himself out of it. His face darkened as he turned toward the church entrance and cracked his knuckles.

“Pastor Semen…” he muttered. “I’m gonna beat you up and fuck you good.”

Section 2: Pastor Gets Lifted

Dinello pushed open the church doors and walked straight inside.

The main hall was already crowded. Rows of believers filled the seats, while several others stood around talking near the front. Dinello ignored all of them. His hollow eyes swept across the room, searching for someone who looked like a pastor.

Then he saw one.

Near the front stood a short-haired figure wearing glasses, with a square jaw, a thick, muscular build, and a humongous chest bulging beneath a shirt. The person stood with both arms folded, looking serious enough to be in charge.

Dinello stared for two seconds.

He had no doubt that this was the pastor.

Without missing a beat, he marched straight toward the figure.

“You bastard!”

The figure turned toward him, startled. “What the—”

Dinello grabbed the front of the shirt with one hand and lifted the figure straight off the floor.

“What the hell are you doing?!” The figure kicked wildly in the air, both hands clutching Dinello’s wrist. “Put me down!”

Dinello glared up at the figure. His eyes slowly dropped toward the humongous chest bulging beneath the shirt.

He paused.

Something was suspicious. There had to be some kind of secret hidden beneath that shirt, behind those two oversized pecs.

“Bastard!” Dinello snapped. “What are you hiding? What kind of evil secret weapon are you hiding inside that shirt?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” the figure yelled. “Those are just my boobs!”

Dinello didn’t hear a word. With one hand still holding the figure in the air, he grabbed the front of the shirt with the other and pulled hard.

RIP!

The shirt tore wide open, revealing a huge pink padded bra underneath.

Dinello froze.

“What the fuck?” He stared at it in disbelief. “What kind of grown man wears a pink padded bra? That’s fucking absurd.”

“Are you crazy?!” the figure cried, still dangling in the air. “Please put me down! I’m still a virgin! Please! I’m saving myself for marriage!”

Dinello didn’t hear a word. His eyes remained fixed on the pink bra.

Dinello decided there was only one way to find out.

He grabbed the bra tightly with his free hand and yanked with all his strength.

RRRIP!

The fabric tore apart.

Section 3: He’s a Woman

As the torn fabric fluttered down from the figure’s chest and drifted toward the floor, what Dinello saw was not what he had expected.

He had expected two massive, rock-solid pecs beneath that bra. Instead, hanging in front of him were two saggy pecs—or rather, breasts.

Dinello narrowed his eyes. He needed to confirm what he was looking at. Without hesitation, he grabbed one of them and gave it a firm squeeze.

It was unbelievably soft. There was almost no firmness to it at all. It felt more like a piece of tofu than a muscular chest.

Dinello’s eyebrows slowly drew together.

“Hold on, Pastor Semen. What happened to your C-cup pecs?”

“Mm—!” The figure flinched at the sudden squeeze, a small moaning sound escaping before the figure could stop it.

Dinello immediately recoiled in disgust.

“What the fuck are you doing? A grown man moaning in front of another grown man?”

He stared at the figure as if personally offended.

“You’ve got some serious fucking problems.”

Still holding the figure off the ground with one hand, Dinello started pounding away with the other. His fist hammered into the stomach, the chest, and then the face, over and over again.

The beating lasted less than thirty seconds.

By the time Dinello stopped, the figure was covered in bruises from head to toe. The face behind the glasses had swollen almost beyond recognition, looking more like a pig’s head than a human face.

“What the fuck are you doing here?!”

Dinello turned.

It was Kyle, storming toward him with his eyes wide in fury.

“You just beat up Betty! What the hell is wrong with you?!” Kyle shouted. “She’s one of the most loyal members of our church!”

Dinello froze.

He looked at Kyle.

Then at Betty.

Then at Betty’s saggy breasts.

Then back at Kyle.

His eyebrows drew together.

“Say what?”

He looked at Betty again in disbelief.

“You’re telling me… this short-haired, muscle-packed, square-jawed man… is a woman?”

Kyle stared at him.

Dinello’s eyes widened.

“What the hell? So he wasn’t Pastor Semen this whole time?”

Kyle pointed toward the far end of the sanctuary.

There, standing calmly beneath the soft light, was another figure.

White shirt. Black slacks. Big-framed glasses. Short hair.

Unlike everyone else in the church, he hadn’t moved. He simply stood there, watching.

Kyle’s expression immediately changed. His anger gave way to something almost servile.

“That’s our real pastor,” he said.

“That’s Simon.”

Dinello slowly turned back and looked at Betty, who was still hanging limply from his grip.

He looked at the saggy breasts again, then the short hair, the square jaw, and the muscular body. No matter how Dinello looked at Betty, he didn’t look like a woman, nor did he look like a man. He looked like something else entirely—something unnatural, something wrong. An abomination.

Dinello’s face darkened.

Qi surged down his arm and gathered around his clenched fist, wrapping his knuckles in a dense layer of energy. Then he drove his fist upward.

BOOM!

The uppercut slammed directly into Betty’s chin.

Her head exploded like a watermelon. Blood and chunks of flesh sprayed across the church, splattering the floor, the rows of seats, and the walls. Several nearby believers were caught in the spray, their faces and clothes spattered with blood.

For a moment, the entire church went silent.

Dinello glared down at Betty’s headless corpse and shouted at the top of his lungs:

“If he was a woman, why didn’t he tell me from the start?!”

Then Dinello gritted his teeth.

“Fuck him.”

Section 4: QR Code Redemption

Dinello didn’t even bother walking toward the real Pastor Simon.

Instead, he turned to Kyle, took two slow steps toward him, and without saying a word, grabbed him by the collar and lifted him straight into the air.

Kyle’s legs immediately started kicking beneath him, flailing wildly as if he were jogging in place.

“What are you doing?! Are you crazy, Dinello?!” Kyle shrieked, his voice cracking.

Dinello glared up at him. For a moment, he had completely forgotten about Pastor Simon. There was something far more important on his mind right now.

“You blocked me?!” Dinello shouted. “You really blocked me?! You son of a bitch!”

Kyle’s eyes widened. His entire body stiffened.

Then his pants suddenly darkened.

A stream of urine ran down both legs, soaking through his pants and dripping onto the church floor beneath him.

“I—I didn’t mean to!” Kyle stammered, still dangling from Dinello’s grip. “It was a slip finger! I didn’t mean it, I swear!”

Dinello squinted at him.

“Slip finger…?”

He wasn’t that gullible. Who the hell accidentally removed someone from their friend list and then blocked them?

But just as Dinello was about to yell at him again, Kyle frantically reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

“H-h-here!” he stammered, his hand trembling. “Just scan me again! We can add each other back! Please, man!”

He tapped the screen a few times and held the phone out. A bright QR code appeared on the display.

For a moment, the surrounding believers simply stared.

Then someone shouted, “Add him back!”

Another voice immediately joined in.

“Add him back!”

Within seconds, the entire church erupted.

“ADD HIM BACK! ADD HIM BACK! ADD HIM BACK!”

Hands began rising throughout the church. Some believers pointed toward the glowing QR code in Kyle’s trembling hand, while others swayed back and forth as they chanted.

“ADD HIM BACK! ADD HIM BACK! ADD HIM BACK!”

“Just be friends again, man!” someone shouted.

“It’s no big deal! Just accept the friend request!”

“Forgiveness is power!”

Dozens of eyes locked onto Dinello. The chanting grew louder.

Dinello looked around at the crowd, then back at Kyle. The anger in his hollow eyes had already begun to fade.

He sighed.

Dinello slowly lowered Kyle back to the floor.

The moment Kyle’s feet touched the ground, his legs gave out beneath him. He dropped to his knees, but still held his phone high above his head with both hands, presenting the glowing QR code to Dinello like a sacred offering.

Dinello stared at him for a moment, then pulled out his own phone.

Beep.

He scanned the QR code.

A friend request appeared on the screen.

Dinello tapped Accept.

“You are now friends with Kyle.”

Just like that, all the tension disappeared.

One had his pants soaked in urine. The other had just blown a woman’s head apart less than a minute ago.

But they were friends again.

Long live friendship.

Long live the QR code.

Section 5: The Fury Punch

From the back of the church, a voice suddenly rang out—booming, righteous, and strangely unnatural.

“I am the absolute righteousness. I am your faith. I am the embodiment of the holy light. I am your destiny.”

Dinello turned.

The remaining believers immediately stepped aside with solemn reverence, parting like curtains to reveal Pastor Simon hovering in midair.

There he was, floating nearly two meters above the floor with his arms gently spread in an open embrace. Golden light poured over his entire body, surrounding him with an almost divine glow.

Dinello blinked.

“What the fuck is that?”

A nearby believer stared up at Simon with trembling awe.

“That… is our divine pastor.”

Dinello stared at Simon in disbelief. A man floating in midair, his entire body glowing with golden light.

His eyes narrowed.

“No way…” Dinello muttered. “Is that one of the Golden Techniques?”

Suddenly, everything started to make sense. No wonder so many people had fallen for this guy. It had to be some kind of deceptive power from the Golden Techniques.

Then Dinello looked closer.

Two nearly invisible wires were attached to Simon’s hips, suspending him from the ceiling. Several powerful spotlights above were aimed directly at his body, while his robe was made from some kind of shiny synthetic material that reflected the light in every direction.

Dinello finally understood. There was no Golden Technique here. Simon was just an ordinary man putting on a cheap magic show.

“I see,” he muttered.

Dinello lowered his body and clenched his right fist. Qi surged through his arm, gathering around his knuckles as his muscles tightened.

Then he pushed off.

BOOM!

The floor cracked beneath his feet as Dinello shot forward like a missile, his Qi driving him across the church at terrifying speed.

Simon was still hovering beneath the spotlights, his arms spread wide, completely absorbed in his divine pose. By the time he noticed Dinello coming, it was already too late.

Dinello pulled his fist back and shouted at the top of his lungs:

“150% FURY PUNCH!”

Of course, there was no such thing as a 150% Fury Punch. Dinello had simply made up the name on the spot. It was basically a normal punch with Qi behind it—maybe slightly harder than usual.

Dinello’s fist slammed straight into Simon’s chest.

Simon’s eyes widened.

“Shit… I got carried away with the special effects ag—”

CRACK!

Simon’s body folded around the punch. The wires holding him in the air snapped instantly, and his entire body shot backward like a ragdoll. He smashed straight through the stained-glass window behind him.

Glass exploded outward in a shower of shattered colors as Simon flew through the opening. A mouthful of blood sprayed from his lips, his arms and legs flailing helplessly in the air before he disappeared from sight.

At the same time, Dinello was bounced backward by Simon’s massive man boobs. His shoes scraped across the floor as he slid nearly two meters before finally coming to a stop.

Dinello blinked in surprise and looked down at his fist.

“Wow. That was bouncy!”

He turned around.

The church was empty. Every believer had fled immediately.

Dinello stood alone in the middle of the ruined church. He glanced once more toward the shattered window where Simon had disappeared.

“It’s done for the day.”

Section 6: Son of a Glitch

In a narrow alley behind the church, beside a pile of trash, a figure lay crumpled on the ground with his clothes torn and his body covered in bruises.

It was Pastor Simon.

Blood trickled from the corner of his mouth as he slowly pushed himself back to his feet. He swayed for a moment, clutching his ribs, then looked down at his massive chest.

“If it weren’t for my man boobs, I would’ve been killed by that punch,” he muttered. “These things absorbed at least seventy percent of the impact.”

He gave one of them a squeeze, then spat a mouthful of blood onto the ground.

“I didn’t expect that bastard to sucker punch me while I was doing my special effects.” Simon wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Next time, if it’s one-on-one… I’m not so sure I’d lose.”

Meanwhile, Dinello had returned to his apartment.

When he stepped inside, he found Jessica in the kitchen wearing an apron and stir-frying dinner. The smell of food filled the apartment as Dinello walked up behind her and gently wrapped his arms around her waist.

“Hey, babe,” he said. “You know what good news I got today?”

Jessica raised an eyebrow without turning around.

“Hmm… you won the lottery? Or got yourself another girlfriend?”

Dinello chuckled.

“Kyle added me back.”

Jessica stopped stirring and turned toward him.

“What? Oh, I’m so glad!”

Dinello smiled and opened his chat with Kyle.

“Hey Kyle, I’m home now, getting ready to eat. Have you eaten yet, my old friend?”

He hit Send.

A red exclamation mark appeared beside the message.

“Message not delivered. You are no longer in the recipient’s friend list.”

Dinello stared at the screen. His smile disappeared. His fingers tightened around the phone, and his jaw locked.

“niaga em kcolb uoy did tahw rof?!”

“SON OF A BITCH!!”

Even Dinello was speaking alien nonsense out of rage.