The Peeing Man

Section 1: The Peeing Man

It was a quiet afternoon in Local Alley.

A short man, about 163 centimeters tall, walked down the alley in a hoodie and ripped jeans, a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. He headed toward a utility pole, only to find a little dog already there, one hind leg raised as it peed against it.

“Move outta my way.”

The man casually gave it a hard kick and sent it flying. The dog spun through the air, its urine tracing a quick circle before it landed on the pavement.

He took its place, unzipped his pants, and let out a satisfied breath as a powerful stream splashed against the pole.

“Ahhh…”

His shoulders dropped with relief.

The dog scrambled up and barked furiously at him.

The man slowly shifted his eyes sideways.

Just his eyes.

The barking stopped.

“YIP!”

Intimidated, the dog turned and fled down the alley, urine still dripping behind it.

So this was Canelo, a notorious gangster better known around Flushing City as the Peeing Man. He got the name for a simple reason: he peed pretty much everywhere he went.

Against a tree. A mailbox. A public trash bin. You name it.

People even said they had seen him pee straight into the open mouth of a homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk.

Section 2: The Viral Video

Once, someone filmed Canelo peeing against a lamppost in broad daylight, right in front of a crowd.

The video was uploaded to YouTube. Since his private parts were fully exposed, the uploader added a mosaic to cover them.

Unfortunately, the mosaic missed by about two centimeters and covered the lamppost instead.

Perhaps the uploader did it by accident…

Or…

Perhaps the uploader did it on purpose.

Either way, Canelo’s dick remained highly visible.

By the time YouTube removed the video, it was already too late. Copies had spread everywhere.

Someone zoomed in on Canelo’s dick, cropped it out, and turned it into a GIF.

Someone else turned the GIF into an emoji.

Before long, the emoji had been used by more than a million people on WeChat.

An old lady stared at it on her phone.

“Holy shit. That’s one of the most impressive penises I’ve seen in a long time.”

Section 3: Back to Local Alley

Canelo was still relieving himself against the utility pole, a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth.

“Hmm. What should I do now?” He scratched his chin. “Maybe go get a prostitute… Nah. Had one yesterday.”

He thought for a moment as the stream continued splashing against the pole.

“Maybe rob someone. Hmm… nah. Don’t feel like it today.”

Then SkyView Mall came to mind. He hadn’t been there in a while.

“Hmm. Might as well. Make sure everything looks fine.”

Canelo finished, zipped up, shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets, and headed out of Local Alley.

As he made his way toward SkyView Mall, people noticed him coming. Those in his path immediately stepped aside. Two men chatting on the sidewalk went quiet.

Another man looked up from his phone and froze at the sight of Canelo, his hand trembling until the phone slipped from his fingers and hit the pavement.

Canelo didn’t even look at them. He just kept walking, cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth.

Then one hand came out of his pocket.

A few people nearby stiffened.

Canelo casually slipped the hand inside his pants and scratched his crotch.

Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.

He pulled his hand out, brought his fingers under his nose, and gave them a quick sniff.

Nobody laughed.

His hand went back into his pocket, and he kept walking.

Soon, he reached the entrance of SkyView Mall.

Section 4: Inside SkyView Mall

The moment Canelo stepped inside SkyView Mall, people began making way for him.

He passed a clothing store. The owner immediately bowed. “Good afternoon, Lord Canelo.” Canelo kept walking. No response.

He passed an adult DVD store. The owner hurried to the entrance and bowed down at a perfect ninety-degree angle. “Lord Canelo! The new Lady Sasa collection just came in. I saved the best one for you. Totally free!” Canelo kept walking. No reaction.

Then he passed a shoe store. The owner rushed out. “Lord Canelo! Let me shine your shoes for you!” He hesitated for a moment. “Actually… I could lick them clean too, if you wanted.”

Canelo walked on, both hands still in his pockets, his chin slightly raised, completely ignoring him.

Section 5: First Date

At the other end of the walkway, a tall, slim, pretty-faced young man with dyed blond hair was walking with his girlfriend, one arm draped over her shoulders and a cup of bubble tea in his other hand.

It was their first official date.

Coming toward them was a short man in pajamas with a ridiculous watermelon-shaped haircut. As they drew closer, his eyes dropped to the girl’s chest and stayed there.

The blond guy noticed and barked at him, “Hey, loser! What the hell are you staring at?”

The man quickly shook his head. “I wasn’t staring at her cleavage!”

The blond guy pulled his girlfriend closer and stared at him.

“Get the fuck outta here before I chop your dick off.”

The watermelon-haired man flinched and shrank back.

“AAAAAH! Okay! I’m leaving! Don’t castrate me!”

The blond guy took just one step toward him. That was enough to scare the crap out of him.

“AAAAAAAH!”

The watermelon-haired man spun around and ran.

“Don’t hurt me! Don’t hurt me!”

After only a few steps, his toe caught against the floor and his whole body pitched forward.

“AAAAH—!”

He flailed his arms as his body went almost horizontal, his face coming within inches of the floor. Somehow, he caught his balance and kept running without slowing down.

“Don’t hurt me! I’m sorry! AAAAAAAAH!”

His pajamas flapped around him and his watermelon-shaped hair bounced wildly as he raced toward the end of the walkway and disappeared around the corner.

A moment later, one final scream echoed through the mall.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH—!”

The blond guy watched him disappear around the corner.

“What a loser.”

His girlfriend looked up at him with an impressed smile. After watching him send that creepy watermelon-haired guy running for his life, he suddenly seemed a lot more manly.

She leaned closer under his arm.

The blond guy noticed and grinned, pulling her closer as they continued down the walkway.

The girl wore a low-cut top that left her collarbones exposed, along with a generous amount of cleavage. As they walked, the blond guy gently rubbed his fingers along her collarbone.

After a while, she looked at him.

“What are you doing? Why do you keep touching my collarbone?”

A sleazy little grin spread across the blond guy’s face.

“Because it’s beautiful. It looks so youthful, delicate, and nurturing.”

His fingers continued softly rubbing her collarbone, but as he spoke, his eyes remained fixed on her cleavage.

Then his hand slowly began to slide lower.

He glanced at her once. No reaction.

Encouraged, he kept going until his hand disappeared beneath her top. A moment later, his filthy hand gave it a couple of gentle, playful squeezes.

The girl kept staring straight ahead, pretending not to notice, though her cheeks had already turned bright red.

A greasy, dirty-old-man grin spread across the blond guy’s face.

Then she noticed someone coming toward them from the other end of the walkway.

Canelo.

A bead of cold sweat formed on her forehead. At the same moment, the blond guy’s hand shot out from beneath her top. She glanced at him and found him trembling, his face drained of color and his eyes locked on Canelo.

His arm went limp and slipped from her shoulders. Then his knees buckled.

THUD.

He dropped onto both knees. The bubble tea slipped from his trembling hand, hit the floor, and rolled away, spilling milk tea as tapioca scattered all over the floor.

Then he felt it.

A strange, burning energy was rising inside his body. It began around his kidneys, surged downward through his thighs, then gathered between his legs, concentrating into a single point.

The blond guy clenched every muscle he could.

No.

He tried to hold it back, but the pressure kept building.

No… no…

His entire body tightened as he desperately fought to contain the force inside him.

For the first time in his life, he prayed to God.

Please…

Just one miracle.

His face twisted, and his whole body jerked.

“Ahhh—!”

The pressure finally broke through the blockage. A hot stream burst free, sending a wave of relief through his entire body.

Drip. Drip.

Urine trickled down between his knees, quickly forming a puddle that spread across the tile beneath him.

The girl looked down. Her eyes went wide, and her mouth fell open.

“Did you just pee yourself?”

She stared at him.

“O… M… G… A grown man pissing himself in public.”

“Babe…”

He reached up and grabbed her hand. “Help me up.”

She looked down at him.

“No. Don’t ‘babe’ me.”

She yanked her hand away, turned around, and walked off without looking back, leaving him kneeling in his own urine.

First girlfriend. First date. First breakup.

All in one afternoon.

The blond guy knelt there in his own urine, his shoulders slumped as he stared blankly at the floor, completely empty inside.

A pair of ripped jeans entered his view.

The blond guy slowly raised his head and found Canelo standing beside him.

Canelo glanced at the puddle of urine on the floor.

“Hey, you.”

The blond guy immediately straightened on his knees. “Y-yes! Lord Canelo!”

Canelo pointed at the puddle.

“Make sure you clean that up, okay?”

“Yes! Yes! Of course, Lord Canelo!” The blond guy bowed deeply from his knees.

Canelo put his hand back into his pocket and continued down the walkway.

“Thank you, Lord Canelo!”

Section 6: Peaceful Flushing City

After leaving SkyView Mall, Canelo continued down the street.

He passed a pile of garbage, where a tall, heavily built man was squatting with half his butt crack exposed. The man dug out a half-eaten bowl of ramen and immediately started eating it.

Canelo kept walking.

A little farther ahead, an ancient-looking beggar sat on the sidewalk with a chipped bowl, lazily bouncing one leg. A young woman passed by.

“Whew-whew.”

The old man whistled at her with a grin. She gave him a disgusted look and hurried away. His leg kept bouncing.

Canelo kept walking.

Soon, he passed a familiar sign.

SAKURA SPA

His favorite massage place.

Canelo looked up at the sign. A greasy, dirty-old-man grin slowly spread across his face.

Then he continued on his way.

Around him, Flushing City remained as peaceful and quiet as ever beneath the golden sunset.