The Battle of Woodbury

Section 1: The Invasion of Woodbury

After a series of victories, the Humbleism Crusade finally set its sights on its next target—Woodbury Mall.

It was a massive outdoor shopping center with hundreds of businesses spread across rows of small, house-like buildings. With so many stores operating in one place, the potential profit from collecting protection money was enormous.

It was a busy afternoon, and the mall was crowded with shoppers. Among them, a creepy-looking middle-aged man was secretly following a beautiful young woman. He kept his distance, watching her every move while imagining all kinds of disgusting ways to molest her. In his mind, he’d already fucked her more than two hundred times.

He hadn’t done anything yet. He was still planning everything in his head when suddenly—

Dozens of police officers came rushing toward him.

The man nearly had a heart attack.

“What the fuck?! I haven’t even done anything yet! I was just thinking about it! How the hell do they know?!”

Terrified, he immediately threw both hands into the air.

“I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!”

But the officers didn’t even look at him. They rushed straight past, leaving him standing there with his hands raised.

Meanwhile, at the center of Woodbury Mall, hundreds of police officers and Humbleism followers had gathered on opposite sides of a wide walkway.

Pastor Simon had assembled nearly the entire fighting force of the Humbleism Crusade for this invasion. He was determined to take control of this valuable territory.

The two armies stood facing each other, ready for battle.

Then, without warning, the first wave charged forward.

The Battle of Woodbury Mall had officially begun.

Section 2: Beyond Good and Evil

As the battle broke out, panic spread across Woodbury Mall. Hundreds of shoppers rushed toward the exits, screaming and pushing past one another. Some jumped into their cars and sped away, running over several pedestrians who couldn’t get out of the way in time.

Amid the fleeing crowds, a short man walked along the shopping street with several police officers carrying bags of purchased goods.

He stood only 161 cm tall, wearing a bucket hat and sunglasses, with a police jacket draped loosely over his shoulders.

His name was Khan, widely regarded by the people of Flushing City as the Pinnacle of the Kung Fu World.

As Khan walked past a clothing store, a group of Humbleism followers suddenly spotted him.

One of them pulled out a machete and charged straight at him, swinging the blade toward his neck.

Khan continued walking with his head lowered. He didn’t dodge, block, or even glance at the attacker.

BAM!

One of the officers beside him delivered a powerful kick, sending the attacker flying dozens of meters through the air.

The man came crashing down, his head and right arm striking the pavement first. His body twisted into an unnatural position, with his head and arm bent at horrifying angles.

He died instantly.

Khan never even lifted his head. His walking pace hadn’t changed in the slightest.

“Chief Khan! Are you all right?” one officer asked.

“Just a fly. Nothing to worry about.”

The remaining Humbleism followers froze in horror. Seeing what had happened to their companion, they immediately turned around and fled.

As they continued walking, another officer spoke up.

“Chief Khan, the Humbleism Crusade is trying to take over the entire mall. Shouldn’t we help our men?”

“No need,” Khan replied calmly. “The forces of justice will surely prevail. Once that man arrives, victory will belong to us.”

“That man?”

Khan gave a faint smile.

“He’s the second strongest in our police force, second only to me.”

A younger officer hesitated before asking another question.

“Chief Khan, there’s something I don’t understand. Aren’t we police officers supposed to represent justice? Then why are we collecting protection money from this mall? Isn’t that what gangsters do?”

Khan answered calmly.

“Police, gangsters, and organizations of every kind—different names, yet all driven by the same desire: the pursuit of power and glory.”

He continued walking.

“Those who hold power shape the rules of this world. They decide what is just and what is wicked. Yet the line between justice and evil is often so blurred that one can hardly tell them apart.”

The officers exchanged confused glances. They weren’t entirely sure what Khan meant, but they nodded in agreement anyway.

The young officer quickly spoke up.

“Words of wisdom from the strongest man on Earth!”

The others nodded even more enthusiastically.

Khan adjusted his sunglasses and continued walking.

Section 3: The Battlefield

The battle at Woodbury Mall had turned into complete chaos. Humbleism followers armed with metal pipes, wrenches, machetes, and folding chairs charged at the police, swinging their weapons wildly. The officers fought back with batons and handguns. Both sides suffered heavy casualties as bloodied bodies began piling up across the shopping streets.

At a nearby corner…

Two police officers knocked a Humbleism follower to the ground. The man dropped his weapon and raised both hands.

“Please! I surrender! Don’t kill me!”

“Motherfucker! I was supposed to be enjoying my day off!” one officer shouted.

“Me too! And now we’re stuck fighting this stupid fucking war because of you assholes!” the other snapped.

Ignoring his pleas, the two officers continued beating him with their batons until he died.

Behind one of the stores…

Another police officer had decided he had seen enough.

“Fuck this shit! I ain’t dying here!”

He spotted an enormous metal dumpster, several meters long. Without hesitation, he climbed inside and buried himself beneath the garbage.

“Ultimate survival strategy,” he whispered proudly, pulling the lid shut and waiting for the war to end.

Beside a trash can…

A little boy stood crying helplessly. Both his parents had been killed in the fighting.

A nearby police officer grew irritated.

“Hey! Stop crying! How annoying! And rude, too!”

The boy continued crying. Furious, the officer smashed his baton into the boy’s mouth, then kicked him across the pavement.

“Didn’t your parents teach you any manners?!”

The boy rolled helplessly along the ground.

Just then, a Humbleism follower came rushing down the walkway. Seeing the boy rolling in his path, he didn’t bother going around him.

Instead, he planted one foot and swung his other leg like a soccer player taking a shot at goal.

BAM!

His foot struck the boy’s head, sending him flying straight into the open trash can like a soccer ball into a goal.

The boy landed headfirst inside, dying on the spot.

“Oh yeah! Nice shot!” the follower cheered.

The police officer witnessed the whole thing and immediately flew into a rage.

“You despicable monster! How dare you kill an innocent child in broad daylight?! Sure, the kid was annoying and rude, but he didn’t deserve to die! You could’ve simply taught him some manners, given him a spanking! But no! You had to go and freaking kill him!”

He charged at the Humbleism follower, who met him head-on. The two immediately began trading blows beside the trash can.

Section 4: The Human Missiles

In the middle of the battlefield, Pastor Simon looked around and noticed someone was missing.

“Hey, by the way, where’s Kyle? Did he fall in battle?”

A follower beside him shook his head.

“No, Pastor. He didn’t come today.”

Simon frowned. “That’s strange. Kyle is one of our most faithful followers. There’s no way he’d miss a battle like this.”

“I heard he ate something bad yesterday and got severe diarrhea. He’s been stuck in the bathroom ever since.”

“Oh, I see.”

Simon turned his attention back to the battlefield.

Several followers stood beside him, their bodies perfectly straight and their faces completely expressionless. They had already accepted their duty as human missiles and were prepared to sacrifice their lives for Humbleism.

Simon grabbed one of them by the waist and lifted him into the air. The follower remained completely stiff, with his arms pressed tightly against his sides.

“In the name of Humbleism! For faith, for glory, and for the prosperity of our organization!”

With a powerful swing, Simon launched him straight toward the police formation.

BOOOOOOM!

The human missile tore through the police line, sending dozens of officers flying in every direction like bowling pins. Some crashed into storefronts, while others landed headfirst in trash cans.

Without wasting a second, Simon grabbed another follower.

“FOR HUMBLEISM!”

BOOOOOOM!

Another missile smashed through the police defenses. Simon continued launching his followers one after another, tearing enormous gaps through the police formation.

“FALL BACK! FALL BACK!” an officer screamed.

“WE CAN’T HOLD THEM! RETREAT!”

Taking advantage of the chaos, the Humbleism followers charged through the broken police lines, forcing the officers farther and farther back.

Meanwhile, Pastor Simon had climbed onto the shoulders of a large follower, who carried him across the battlefield like a child riding on his father’s shoulders.

Sitting comfortably above everyone else, Simon raised one arm and shouted.

“PUSH FORWARD! BROTHERS AND SISTERS! VICTORY IS ALMOST OURS!”

The followers roared in excitement and continued their advance.

Within two hours, the Humbleism Crusade had captured nearly ninety percent of Woodbury Mall. The remaining police forces were retreating toward the outer edges of the shopping center.

Surprisingly, many shoppers were still browsing the stores in areas away from the fighting, carrying shopping bags and lining up at checkout counters.

After all, whether the mall belonged to the police or the Humble Organization made little difference to them.

They were just there to shop.

Section 5: Attack on Titan

Just as the Humbleism Crusade was approaching victory, a large flatbed truck slowly rolled into Woodbury Mall.

Lying on the back was what appeared to be an enormous pile of stone and wood. The truck stopped, and the strange object slowly sat up, revealing that it wasn’t cargo at all, but a gigantic man.

Standing over five meters tall, he towered above everyone like a walking tree. His skin resembled a rough mixture of stone and wood, covered in cracks and uneven surfaces.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

As he stepped down from the truck, the ground trembled beneath his feet. A dramatic soundtrack from Attack on Titan began playing in the background.

The Humbleism followers froze in horror.

“Oh no! It’s a Titan!”

“We’re all gonna die!”

Meanwhile, the police officers erupted in cheers.

“Chief Wayne is here!”

“We’re saved!”

Wayne swept his enormous palm across the battlefield, sending dozens of followers flying into the sky. He then grabbed another follower and lifted him toward his mouth.

“AAAAAAH! Let me go!”

Wayne tossed him inside, bit down with a loud CRUNCH, and swallowed.

“Holy shit! He just ate him!”

Pastor Simon picked up several stones and hurled them at Wayne with tremendous force. The stones struck his rock-hard skin, producing nothing more than small clouds of dust.

Wayne didn’t even react.

But something else was bothering Simon.

The dramatic background music was still blasting at full volume.

“So annoying,” he muttered.

Simon spotted a large speaker on the back of the truck. He picked up another stone and threw it in an S-shaped curve, striking the speaker with incredible precision.

CRACK!

The speaker shattered, and the music stopped instantly.

Despite the battle still raging around him, everything suddenly felt peaceful and quiet.

“That’s so much better,” Simon muttered with relief.

Section 6: Thunderclap

As Khan approached Wayne, he looked up at the giant and spoke calmly.

“All right, Wayne. I’m counting on you.”

“No problem, Chief. Leave it to me.”

Khan climbed into the back seat of a police car. Moments later, the vehicle pulled away.

Meanwhile, Wayne ordered all police units to fall back and evacuate the mall. Within minutes, the entire police force had withdrawn to a safe distance.

Wayne surveyed the battlefield. Nearly a thousand Humbleism followers remained inside the mall. If he could eliminate them all with a single strike, he could destroy almost the entire fighting force of the Crusade, putting an end not only to this invasion, but to any future invasions as well.

However, hundreds of shopkeepers and customers were still inside the mall, many of them continuing their shopping as if nothing had happened.

Wayne let out a heavy sigh.

As a police officer, he had sworn to protect innocent lives. But if sacrificing a few hundred people today could save thousands more in the future, perhaps that was a price worth paying.

After a moment of hesitation, he made his decision.

Wayne suddenly charged toward the center of Woodbury Mall.

Dozens of Humbleism followers stood in his path, but he didn’t slow down. He plowed straight through them, sending bodies flying in every direction. Some were crushed beneath his enormous feet.

As he ran, he drew back his massive fist, gathering tremendous power into his arm.

The moment he reached the center—

THUNDERCLAP!

His fist slammed into the ground with unimaginable force.

BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Blinding bolts of electricity erupted from the impact, shooting high into the air. The flashes were so intense that even the afternoon sky appeared dark by comparison for several seconds.

A massive shockwave spread outward, shattering the ground in every direction. The earth shook violently as enormous chunks of concrete flew into the air.

The destruction swept across Woodbury Mall. Rows of buildings collapsed, storefronts were torn apart, and entire shopping streets disappeared beneath the collapsing structures.

The tremendous impact tore countless people apart on the spot. Humbleism followers, shopkeepers, and customers were all caught in the destruction.

Pastor Simon was still sitting on the shoulders of a large follower when the shockwave struck. The follower took the full force of the blast, his body disintegrating beneath Simon and shielding him from the worst of the impact.

The remaining force hurled Simon into the air. He crashed into a pile of broken concrete and lost consciousness.

Even the enormous metal dumpster where the cowardly police officer had hidden was crushed into pieces.

One second, he was sitting in complete darkness. The next, he was staring into an endless void.

He had successfully avoided every enemy attack, only to die at the hands of his own chief.

A massive cloud of dust swallowed the entire shopping center.

When it finally cleared, there were no more shopping streets, no storefronts, and no crowds of customers.

Only an endless field of broken concrete and rubble remained.

Woodbury Mall had been reduced to ruins.

Section 7: The Blessing of Diarrhea

Meanwhile, inside an apartment in Flushing City, Kyle stumbled out of the bathroom, his face pale as a ghost. He had already suffered more than twenty rounds of diarrhea that day, leaving him completely exhausted.

He collapsed onto the sofa and turned on the television.

A female reporter was standing in front of what remained of Woodbury Mall.

“Breaking news. The Battle of Woodbury Mall has finally come to an end. The shopping center, which stood for several decades, has been completely destroyed and no longer exists on the map.”

Behind her, dozens of ambulances, rescue workers, and bulldozers were searching through the ruins.

“According to the latest reports, the battle has left more than 800 Humbleism followers, over 200 civilians, and nearly 100 police officers dead, injured, or missing. A significant number remain unaccounted for, including Pastor Simon, the leader of the Humbleism Crusade.”

Kyle stared at the television in disbelief.

“Oh no… I wish I had been there. I’m such a failure as a follower.”

He lowered his head and sighed.

“Please, Pastor Simon… I hope you’re still alive.”

The female reporter concluded her report.

“Reporting live from Woodbury Mall. Back to you in the studio.”

The broadcast switched to a male news anchor sitting behind a desk.

“In other news, police have arrested a street vendor suspected of causing a widespread outbreak of severe diarrhea. The man had been selling grilled feces skewers without a license.”

The anchor continued.

“The suspect has since been returned to a psychiatric hospital. According to hospital staff, he suffers from severe delusions and believes he is either Lord Canelo or a Pokémon.”

Kyle suddenly froze.

“That son of a bitch! No wonder I’ve been suffering from severe diarrhea all day!”

Before he could say another word, his stomach began rumbling violently again.

“Oh no! Not again!”

Kyle jumped off the sofa and rushed toward the bathroom.

But just as he reached the doorway—

PRRRRRRRT!

A disgusting sound erupted from his pants.

Kyle froze.

His trousers were already covered in feces, with more running down his legs.

He had survived the deadliest battle in the history of the Humbleism Crusade.

Unfortunately, he couldn’t even make it to his own toilet.